my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
