She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
