Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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