Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
