seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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