so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
