he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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