i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
