the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
