She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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