Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
