Pappa wants mamma naked
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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