His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This show inspires me to have sex in space
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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