You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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