how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
