I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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