i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
