im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
