guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
