there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
