can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
