i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
