Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Your topless pictures make me question reality
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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