I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
