This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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