in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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