He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
