I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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