My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
