I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
