Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
