I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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