I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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