the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
