I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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