So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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