Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
