I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
