I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
