the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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