I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
