Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Randomize
