they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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