i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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