I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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