I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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