this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
