well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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