Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize