I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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