your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
