In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
