Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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