my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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