All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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