how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
