I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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