I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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