my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
