so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
